The answer to everything!

When someone you love dies, you suddenly catch sight of how huge life is, how much vaster and immeasurably more promising and diverse it is than you generally get time to acknowledge. You refocus on what is important, on what can and should be done and said.
And for a moment you might even think you've glimpsed the answer to everything.
But life - the cereal toast where are your socks bus tickety Nick Jr washing day did you get bread bit of life - does go on, so you kind of fold those ideas and dreams up to fit into it. But at least they're there, and they're nearer the top than they were.

I'm going to blog what I remember of the last few weeks, starting with my birthday. It's probably going to have eff all to do with overt educational intent, for which I apologize.

My birthday was one of the nicest I've ever had - J and I both took a few days off, so I was already relaxed when the day itself came. I opened a stack of prezzies in the morning - lots of lovely bath stuff, a few books I wanted (including Sarah Waters WW2 one), a CD (Laurie Anderson, Mister Heartbreak) and a rock tumbler for polishing semi-precious stones. Also lots of lovely cuddles and a nice card and a general feeling of being loved and lucky. Then we had nice pizza/pasta lunch out which was fab. Walked home in late summer sunshine, later ordered a takeaway, opened a bottle of wine and watched two films (Harry Potter and Flightplan). Bliss.
The next day I decided to take advantage of J being home for one more day and went to visit my dad in hospital (it had been hard to know how ill he really was, several times in the previous couple of weeks I had wanted to visit but then had heard that he wasn't so bad and had also had F's party and various other things that kept me occupied). I took the laptop with some short clips and pictures of F to show him, also some print photos to leave with him. It's a long way to go there and back in one day (over 4 hours each way) and I spent a lot of time on trains and stations that day thinking about my dad and family and life and death and stuff. When I saw him he did look ill and old, but was fairly chatty and made a joke about 'the boy stood on the burning deck - his friends all said what a silly place to stand'. I stayed for a short while, it was lovely to see him and he enjoyed the clips and pictures.
The journey back turned into a protracted nightmare with train cancellation announcements cascading at Southampton station so I got a taxi back from there.
Wednesday of my birthday week - my mum came and so did my best friend from way back. Went out with best friend for lunch, really lovely to chat about where we are and where we are going and what we're doing right and wrong, etc. And to enjoy eating nice food without being responsible for our respective offspring! After she went, F and I brought mum's presents into the living-room and put her Les Miserables CD on, which was blissful.
Thursday of that week dad's wife M rang and as a result of what she did and didn't say I knew I would visit dad again that weekend, surreally right in the middle of an event in Sheffield that had already been long-planned.
Friday 18th - up to Sheffield, delays and platform alterations and general turmoil both outer and inner. I arrived late at the BBGossip Big Brother Final Night Sheffield Meet-Up and walked into the large room full of people, friends, some of whom I chat to almost every day online, just as Nikki had been evicted and before Dan was announced. Had a great evening there, chatting, drinking, eating, waving to people on webcam and generally enjoying a complete break from 'reality' whatever that is, courtesy of BBGossip site owner Pat. My team were shoite at the quiz but we all still came home with mugs with our usernames and the BBGossip logo on to mark the occasion, among other goodies. It was lovely to be with such good friends and to meet a few that I hadn't previously 'done face stuff' with. My roomie had brought me birthday prezzies too. We finally got to sleep about 4 in the morning having talked about pretty much everything we could think of.
Saturday - Took a train down to Cheltenham, knowing that this was almost definitely my last time to see my dad, to say anything that I wanted to say, to hear anything that he had to say. And that's what happened. I sat and held his hand, I told him I loved him and heard him say the same to me. I hugged my half-brother and dad's wife, had strange little snippets of 'normal' conversation, with tears in all our eyes. It was wonderful to hold dad's hand for a while. It was terrible that he was going. But I came away feeling better than I had for a couple of weeks - don't like the word 'closure' but I suppose that's why it exists. The not knowing had been worse, the fear of not getting there to see him, of not having a chance to say goodbye properly. The worry about him being ill. Now there were no more options, but there was no more pain either and no fear.
I also felt very much that however sad I might feel, it was so small compared with the grief of my half-brothers and dad's wife. I'm not saying I didn't and don't feel it or that I'm not entitled to it or anything like that, just that, realistically, I don't have some of the history that makes it so much harder to lose someone.
Back in Sheffield for the second night of the BB forum madness - quite a surreal transition but absolutely wonderful. Welcomed back into a room of good friends, with wine and snacks and room service and laughter and life. Including ridiculous conversations about whose car was loneliest or most popular in the car park, among others I vaguely remember. Hugs and support, comfort, understanding, affection and sheer daftness! I love those people, and a few who couldn't be there this time.
Sunday - back home, another long journey but thankfully quite straightforward this time.
And that was the end of my birthday week.
Blogging the rest in another post I think.